I need to relax

I am always enormously relaxed after a stint on the freeway. It's the one place where i can just concentrate on my riding and everything around me, without worrying about what i'm doing with the bike. Getting off the freeway i'm riding better, smoother, and less stressed about everything/nothing.

During lessons, Brian (instructor) used to tell me "stop worrying about what you're doing and look around you. The bike will go where you want it to." Because that was what i'd do. Worry if i was throttling enough, what gear i was in, how far away i am from the car in front, why the bike was swaying the way it was, what my speed was, if i was braking properly going around the corner, if i was taking the roundabout in the right gear, and oh god why is the indicator knob so stubborn.... the list goes on. To the extent that i'd forget to pay attention to anything else. Like traffic.

Now that i ride alone i don't have a choice in paying attention to everything, but i still haven't stopped worrying about what i'm doing with the bike.

Which means that unless i give myself a conscious kick up the arse (which i'm learning to do regularly), i ride like an old lady.... overwhelmed by the multi-tasking involved in propelling a vehicle.

Ergh. This is a sore spot. I've thus far taken to boys' toys like a duck to water, and my ego is not happy that i'm not on my way to being Valentina Rossi. I should be riding like a budding champion without conscious effort, but i'm not. It's occured to me that i've digested more of this motorcycle-is-death rhetoric i've been getting in abundance, than i realise. It won't drive me off the bike, but the cloud of doom hanging over my head is causing me to doubt myself.

Mission for the next however long it takes me to get over this:

To pick a leaf from my book of lessons (the only reference i have to all this): Ensure shoulders are relaxed. If shoulders are relaxed, rest of body will follow suit.

At the end, this bike is still my claim to freedom of movement. Mine to be enthralled with, mine to discover, mine to ride. If i'm feeling particularly f**ked up, i get into my gear and take her out for a spin. The bike restores the sense of self that has lately taken some punishment (to people with actual lives, this probably sounds very sad).

And since the bike's doing me favours in the morale department, the one thing i owe her, is to ride her like i own her. So, shoulders down and off she goes!