On wanting and not getting

I dream of motorcycles. They mess with my brain while i sleep.

Sometimes they are unreal, like flying down some twisty road like the biker version of Miami Vice in the sunset, all glowing blue lights and matching riding gear. But most times they are re-creations of the only on-road bike experiences i’ve ever had - my lessons. I dream about forgetting to check truncating roads, not being able to stay on the right side of the lane, thumb slipping on the indicator control so i can’t flick it. My brain excites itself with the memory of how it feels to lean, coming into a turn, and throttling full to get away from the cars behind, switching gears like quicksilver with all limbs in sync - operating vehicles seems to be the only activity in which my arms and legs will work in unquestioning co-ordination. It’s been 2 weeks since i got my licence and i am still able to raise my adrenalin levels just thinking about riding a bike.

Forget race-track experiences and super-hero adventures. I’m just craving regular on-road experience, to upkeep and hone my newly-acquired skill. The housemate said sometime ago, after you’ve been on a bike, driving a car is like watching tv. It’s proving to be quite true. Driving, that number one cathartic activity, while still pleasurable, is starting to seem passive and totally lacking in visceral engagement. It feels like a completely different planet on a bike.

I am obsessed. Motobikes occupy most of my spare moments, but it is just the regular story of my life that my husband is dead set against the whole thing. With justifiable reason i guess, but still, just my luck. He and i have totally opposing philosophies in life. The contrast tends to take on neon proportions when we are after that which colors our individual intentions and desires.

My instructor Brian was much amused when i was telling him conversations between the other half and me about motorbikes always ended in altercation. But i am not alone in this regard. He’s full of stories about his female students who have taken lessons with full objection from, or without the knowledge of their husbands/boyfriends/partners, and then eventually gone and gotten their bikes with obstacles still in place. I don’t know how they worked it out, but it’s only the fact that they got what they wanted in the end that matter anyway.

I miss my instructor a fair bit. Lesson days were days where i would bolt out of bed and run for the bus/train in relish, because the end of my day ended on a motorbike. Brian, who is essentially Stay Upright riding school, is weird and hilarious and is just a most excellent change from the inevitable unpleasantness that is part and parcel of the service industry (in which i work). He is also a wonderful teacher. There are some things you need to be taught and others you just need to find out by yourself, with rudimentary instruction in the foundations of your skill. He knows the difference, and the fact that he’s awfully relaxed about it all is a surprising change from most of the other teachers i’ve come across in my life, esp if you’re in the habit of beating yourself up over the stupid mistakes you make, much like yours truly. I’ve been lucky in driving/riding instruction. Both times i’ve had great teachers who not only taught to pass the test, but to negotiate the road so you remain alive.

But i do firmly believe that i’ll get my bike, and that it’s only a matter of time. Getting licences and vehicles are the only things in life thus far that i am exemplary with in method and execution, 100% determination unwaivering in the face of all sorts of obstacles. I guess it’s because they are the only things, aside from the camera (the ownership of which is another example in patient planning and action), i will ever own that are fully mine to experience and extract fullness out of, without having to share. I share most of my existence as it is, but there are some things you must keep for, and to, yourself. The ones that keep you reminded of your status as a complete, self-sufficient and perfectly functioning entity in this crazy world.